she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
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