i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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