2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
