They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
