How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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