i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
