he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
