i need an iv and a liver transplant
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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