Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
