Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
