I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
