so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
