He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I could fuck to npr.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
