Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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