If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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