I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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