Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
