you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
