Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Randomize
