have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
