My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
