The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
