You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
