Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
