My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
