I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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