My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
