sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
