Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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