I think I died a long time ago.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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