Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
