I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
