Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
