what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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