Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
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