I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
