Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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