The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
