hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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