When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I supernannyed him into submission
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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