Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
i've created a new STD.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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