Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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