He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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