You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
