sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
