She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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