Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
