There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
