the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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