I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
